Been thinking, and I just wanted to share.
So much of my life has been spent hungering for the next phase, instead of thriving where I am.
Desperately Seeking Husband
Before I met my amazing husband, I spent the majority of my time, efforts, and energy trying to find “him”. Of course I didn’t know who he was going to be, but by golly I was determined to find him. I searched high and low, obsessed to know who he was and to finally be in love and married.
Now, when I think back on my life, I realize I missed out on so much before I was married, in my great desire and impatience to know him and discover who he was.
The funny thing is, when I finally got FED UP with dwelling on being married and decided to enjoy the status of my life as it was . . . three weeks later, I kid you not, there he was, walking into the coffee shop I was hanging at one evening. I will forever be grateful for meeting him, and anybody who knows us knows I mean it. I’ve never met anyone like him. <3 He is my soul mate, my chosen one.
And I ended up enjoying three weeks of my life as a single woman. [face palm]
Why did it take me so long to enjoy the season I was in? How much could I have gained by realizing this beforehand? By trusting that God had a person for me and I just needed to sit back and thrive until he arrived?
I’m not a fan of looking back in regret. God has trained me to recognize when I’m engaging in this fruitless activity and stop it, turning my thoughts around in thankfulness. But I can use those realizations for future events I encounter.
The Next Phase: Mommyhood
You would think I had learned my lesson. I had spent so much of my life looking for this one, and I found him! We were married, and living together in first-year marital bliss. And in all my happy state, there seemed to be a new goal in sight: motherhood.
A baby. This was something I didn’t have, something I had never experienced before. And . . . I wanted it!
So I became fixated on babies. Mommyhood. Not that that is a bad thing, but again, I wished the season I was in away for the next one. I did spend some time having fun, doing my thing. I sewed purses with bible verses inside and sold them on eBay. It was fun. I got to exercise when I wanted to, stay up as late as I wanted, sleep as late as I wanted . . . but still I was wondering about that next phase.
Any mother will tell you, they will never regret their children coming into their lives. Not for a minute will I ever wish my children had come later or that I had been more ready. But I still think about the fact that I should have been serving others more with my time, doing things that made me feel more productive, before they came.
And alas, they are a lot of work! (Moms, are you with me??)
Right now my youngest is still very young – a toddler and all that entails. We all chase her around all day. She’s the bee’s knees. She is a world changer! And yet sometimes, when I’m trying to load the dishwasher and she’s dutifully taking out everything I’m putting in . . . I’m tempted.
When I wake up at 4am, bleary-eyed, to go retrieve her from her crib to join me, sometimes I’m tempted.
When I’ve had it up to here with Handy Manny and just want to watch what I want to watch, I’m tempted.
Tempted to what?
Wish this season away. I do like to look back on my life and the lessons I learned so far. But this one, with God’s help, I think I’ve got. I can’t wish this one away. It would be too painful.
One day they’ll grow up. There’ll be no more tiny footprints dirtying my tile floor [I’m crying as I write this]. There’ll be no size 2T sock without its partner. There’ll be no toys strewn across the living room floor. There’ll be no sippy cups . . . no Curious George . . . no Boxcar Children . . .
True, there won’t be any dirty diapers, car seats, aching back from the constant carrying of a toddler on my hip, and a lot more. But when those things are finally gone, I’m going to look back, bury my head in my pillow, and cry.
I’m going to sob, and my heart is going to ache with a fire it’s not felt before. I will want to pay any amount just to kiss a sweet set of baby toes again. Just to feel the rapture of a tiny hand in mine. To feel peaceful baby breath while napping on my chest.
I’ll be darned if I am going to look back on these years and realize I had wished them all away. I won’t, I can’t let it happen.
I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world. I’m going to thrive . . . and be grateful for every minute of this season.
And that’s my battle cry when silly, petty, selfish temptations arise. The days are long, very long sometimes . . . but the years are short – much too short.
I’m living my dream. I want it to last as long as it can.
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